Forgiveness?? More like bitterness

Forgiveness.
This is not going to be a "how to" on forgiveness. I have heard everything you can imagine about forgiveness. Read about it in the Bible, read quotes, sang songs about it. We probably all have. But, I can say without a shadow of a doubt it is the hardest thing I have ever tried to deal with. I don't know if I am actually capable of it. I can quote scripture on it. I know what I am supposed to do.

I wonder how many of us can forgive as we are supposed to? Really and truthfully forgive? I don't know if I ever have been able to.
My father was a wonderful man with the best personality in the world. He was funny, charismatic and charming (now you know where I get it from). But, he was an alcoholic. I wasn't able to forgive him until after he died. That still haunts me to this very day. It is crippling sometimes. Bitterness stems from it. 

I wrote this after my Mom had been through all of her chemo and we were expecting good test results. The results came back and were not good. This was 3 months before she died - 

"The poison of this world has seeped in and caused a bitterness that won't be broken. 
Age has caused a filter between the dreams of a girl and the reality of discontent. 
The wrinkles have no purpose, no happy story to tell. 
Never wanting to settle but doing it anyway. 
Is there a way to change that? A way to get back to a place of as hope....
before the doctor tells you it's almost over"

I was so angry. I knew she going to die. I knew all the things she wanted to happen were not going to happen. She would never have her house she wanted. She would never have that family trip to Disney. She would never have coffee and enjoy it again because the chemo destroyed her taste buds. She would never have another Thanksgiving. She would never have her hair like Paula Dean. She would never have anything again. I was an still am so mad that she was taken from us so soon. I am still so mad that her death was painful. I am so mad that her life was filled with pain and she never got to live out her dreams. 

Forgiveness? Who do I forgive to make this feel better? God?

I am learning every day to let go of toxic people from my life. But, this inability to forgive is the most toxic thing I deal with.
My goal is to get to a point where it feels natural to let go of bitterness. The only way to do that is to forgive. 

So, yeah, this was a bit of a depressing read. I wrote it because, surely, I am not the only that struggles with this. Surely, I am not the only hot mess I know??? Right??

Maybe, I should put it away for now. Deal with it at a later date? Yeah, that sounds good to me :)

Rae