Forgiveness?? More like bitterness

Forgiveness.
This is not going to be a "how to" on forgiveness. I have heard everything you can imagine about forgiveness. Read about it in the Bible, read quotes, sang songs about it. We probably all have. But, I can say without a shadow of a doubt it is the hardest thing I have ever tried to deal with. I don't know if I am actually capable of it. I can quote scripture on it. I know what I am supposed to do.

I wonder how many of us can forgive as we are supposed to? Really and truthfully forgive? I don't know if I ever have been able to.
My father was a wonderful man with the best personality in the world. He was funny, charismatic and charming (now you know where I get it from). But, he was an alcoholic. I wasn't able to forgive him until after he died. That still haunts me to this very day. It is crippling sometimes. Bitterness stems from it. 

I wrote this after my Mom had been through all of her chemo and we were expecting good test results. The results came back and were not good. This was 3 months before she died - 

"The poison of this world has seeped in and caused a bitterness that won't be broken. 
Age has caused a filter between the dreams of a girl and the reality of discontent. 
The wrinkles have no purpose, no happy story to tell. 
Never wanting to settle but doing it anyway. 
Is there a way to change that? A way to get back to a place of as hope....
before the doctor tells you it's almost over"

I was so angry. I knew she going to die. I knew all the things she wanted to happen were not going to happen. She would never have her house she wanted. She would never have that family trip to Disney. She would never have coffee and enjoy it again because the chemo destroyed her taste buds. She would never have another Thanksgiving. She would never have her hair like Paula Dean. She would never have anything again. I was an still am so mad that she was taken from us so soon. I am still so mad that her death was painful. I am so mad that her life was filled with pain and she never got to live out her dreams. 

Forgiveness? Who do I forgive to make this feel better? God?

I am learning every day to let go of toxic people from my life. But, this inability to forgive is the most toxic thing I deal with.
My goal is to get to a point where it feels natural to let go of bitterness. The only way to do that is to forgive. 

So, yeah, this was a bit of a depressing read. I wrote it because, surely, I am not the only that struggles with this. Surely, I am not the only hot mess I know??? Right??

Maybe, I should put it away for now. Deal with it at a later date? Yeah, that sounds good to me :)

Rae

A Quiet Mind

I recently got another tattoo. So recent that it is itching me like crazy as I write this. It was something I have wanted for years now. I got "A Quiet Mind" on the back of my neck. To explain what it means to me would take more words than I care to speak. But, I can try. "A Quiet Mind" is a song by Blue October. It is a major part of the reason, but not all. I have a very chaotic mind. It is constantly racing, working, dreaming, and honestly a dark place. I tend to put things away in the corners of my mind. Yes, I deal with it, but no I will not tell you about it. I work it out on my own. If you catch me on a day I feel like venting I feel very very sorry for you. I have a few, very few, people in my life that get the venting once in a while. Say a prayer for them, it can get ugly. Thankful for these few. 

A Quiet Mind is something I strive for but I know will probably never happen. 

A Quiet Mind also reminds me of a wonderful friend. He was so tortured by so many things in his mind. So many things in life. We spent hours upon hours opening our messed up minds to each other. No judgments. Poured our real selves out to each other. He was desperate for peace. Desperate for a quiet mind. We had a long discussion about this song and what it meant to him and what it meant to me. He died at age 39 on June 1, 2012. He was a man of God, so I know he finally has peace. I am forever changed by him. He calmed my mind. I like to think I had the same affect on him. 

I wrote this a few years ago after a monumental change in my life. Chaos is my friend, I think. I thrive off of it. 

"Feel it creeping up again. Only this time I am completely aware of it and probably able to stop it.....but for once I won't. When it was all spoken, the wall came down....crumbling like an earthquake hit. A wall that will NEVER be rebuilt, I refuse for it to be. Too much of life is spent behind a wall, a wall that hides your true self. I could have kept it up and made it even higher.....only when the earthquake finally hit,  it would fall on me instead of away from me. I could have kept it there for another 20 years, in fact I had made up my mind to do that. But, it was forced out of me - the earthquake was not caused by me...but when it hit, my facade shattered and it was terrifying and exhilarating at the same time....It all comes with a cost though....when the wall is down and you can see for the first time in years, you see the misery on the face in the mirror that was caused by the monster under the bed. Just got caught in the moment when comfort was needed. Now I am free"..
.
A Quiet Mind? Probably will never happen, but a girl can dream right?

Rae

Here is the song if you want to check it out

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B05nS0trd30

Dreams

Contentment under circumstances?
Accepting life as it is?
Forgetting the dream that pulled you through each day.
Looking in a mirror and seeing disappointment in the face that used to greet you with hope.
What happens when you remember the dream? 
When all you see is the failure?
When you cant find any contentment?
Powerless to change the circumstance..
Desperate to find the girl in the mirror that had dreams and believed they could come true.
One day she will come back...if she can dream it.



Rae