It's been a while, a long, while since I thought it necessary to write anything on this blog. Even now, I am not sure. But, here goes.
I have spent the past couple of months retreating into myself. Trying to figure out this life of mine. Trying to figure out what I am doing. Trying to write, write, write. I have not succeeded in any of these areas. In fact, I have failed miserably. I need a reset button. I need to reset my way of thinking, maybe?
I wish I were a person that could just take life as it is. It gets exhausting to constantly be thinking of a way out of here. Drowning is a metaphor I use on a regular basis...to myself. Drowning in myself, my dreams, my wants for this life.
It seems a bit foolish, doesn't it, that a woman my age should still be so dumbfounded by life?
I recently looked through some old pictures that my Mom had. They were pictures of my children, my nieces, family members and her. I was amazed by what I saw on the faces on those pictures. I saw the angst of childhood in my oldest daughter, the joy of being an infant in my youngest and pure joy on my Mother's face when she was surrounded by it.
But, what struck me was the utter misery on my face. I can see behind the fake smile. I wish I could talk to my younger self. Even just 5 years ago. I have a few things to tell her. (that's between myself and I)
It's strange how life moves forward without pausing. There is no reset button, no rewinding, no editing to make it just right. So, maybe we are supposed make the best of it? Maybe, just maybe, learn to swim in this life instead of drowning?
I am not miserable anymore. My pictures reflect a relative truth about me. I am a forever dreamer. I have been writing again...determined that my dream come true.
I still want that reset button though.
Rae
