Reset

It's been a while, a long, while since I thought it necessary to write anything on this blog. Even now, I am not sure. But, here goes.

I have spent the past couple of months retreating into myself. Trying to figure out this life of mine. Trying to figure out what I am doing. Trying to write, write, write. I have not succeeded in any of these areas. In fact, I have failed miserably. I need a reset button. I need to reset my way of thinking, maybe?

I wish I were a person that could just take life as it is. It gets exhausting to constantly be thinking of a way out of here. Drowning is a metaphor I use on a regular basis...to myself. Drowning in myself, my dreams, my wants for this life.

It seems a bit foolish, doesn't it, that a woman my age should still be so dumbfounded by life?

 I recently looked through some old pictures that my Mom had. They were pictures of my children, my nieces, family members and her. I was amazed by what I saw on the faces on those pictures. I saw the angst of childhood in my oldest daughter, the joy of being an infant in my youngest and pure joy on my Mother's face when she was surrounded by it.
But, what struck me was the utter misery on my face. I can see behind the fake smile. I wish I could talk to my younger self. Even just 5 years ago. I have a few things to tell her.  (that's between myself and I)

It's strange how life moves forward without pausing. There is no reset button, no rewinding, no editing to make it just right. So, maybe we are supposed make the best of it? Maybe, just maybe, learn to swim in this life instead of drowning?

I am not miserable anymore. My pictures reflect a relative truth about me. I am a forever dreamer. I have been writing again...determined that my dream come true.

I still want that reset button though.

Rae

Restless

“Restlessness and discontent are the first necessities of progress.”

—	Thomas Alva Edison

  Have you ever felt restless? A paralyzing restlessness that begins to consume you? A feeling that you are not where you need to be? No? Just me?

 Lately, I have felt this overwhelming desire for....something more. Restless. 

 Now, I am not like Mr. Edison thinking restlessness and discontent are steps to progress. I am more like "What the hell is happening?". I do not know how to reconcile this in my head, A need for something more. But, what? 

 I recently saw a picture of a compass and had a thought that my internal compass has broken. Then I think that maybe, for the first time in my life, my compass is working. Maybe, I am starting to figure out where I am supposed to be. Maybe, I am full of crap? I have no idea. 

 I have been writing. I have found a friend that inspires words from me that somehow rearrange themselves beautifully. Maybe one day I will share these words with the world. Maybe I won't. Right now, it is so personal that I don't want to reveal that much of myself.

 I am not sure why I wrote this blog post. It really isn't saying anything of worth.  

 Restless? Yes. 

 Broken? A little. 

 Hopeful? Always. 

 Rae

 

 

Creeper in the corner

It has been a few months since I have updated this thing. Which is strange because I have written more in the past 3 months than I have in my whole life. My mind has been over flowing with words that have to be put on paper.

 I haven't written on here because I have nothing of worth to say. Today I feel different. Although, it is entirely possible you will think I still have nothing of worth to say after reading this.

I am sitting in a cafe sipping my coffee and eating a scone. (I am trying to sound worldly. I am actually at Panera with coffee and a bagel in jean shorts and a Boondock Saints shirt...yep I am worldly)

Anyway, I am sitting here and I wonder if everyone knows I am observing them. Trying to pick up on who they are.

I see a family, Mom, Dad and a couple of teenagers and the girls are on their phones and giggling. They are all interacting and laughing. - Happy

 I see a man on a laptop staring intently at the screen. He keeps rubbing his face and scowling. He looks up, out the window and then back to the screen. I am assuming he is reading the news. Uh oh, he is out of coffee. - Discontented

 I see an older couple. They are eating in silence in their Sunday best. At first I thought they were the typical miserable married type that I see so often, but then I saw him take her hand across the table and he smiled at her. She smiled back and then they went back to eating in silence. - Content

I see a table with two women. They are deep in conversation. Every once in a while they erupt in laughter. One of them keeps nodding and saying "Yeah." "Yes" "Oh I know" and smiling. - Excited to be out of the house

I see, what I am assuming is, a mother and daughter. They are talking, smiling and quiet all at the same time. - Comfort

I wonder how many of them are, like me, fake? Do they feel like their authentic self? Are they going through the motions? What do they see when they see me over here creeping on the corner?

Now should be the time that I offer some insight into what I am talking about and what the point of this post is....but, honestly, I don't have one. I am just fascinated by people lately. I look at them and I wonder how fake they are. Not in a bad way. In a way of "What dreams have you given up to be who you are today?"
Now, of course, if all of our dreams we had as a child came true we would have a world full of rockstars, movie stars and women married to one of the New Kids on the Block (oh wait that's just me).
I am talking about real dreams.
Dreams of a life that you want .
Dreams of the happiness you want.
I look at people and think "Did you settle or are you really in the life you love?".

I have heard to be content in your circumstances. I still dream, therefore I refuse to be content until I really am content.

Rae

*The discontented man is still discontented. Scowling and drinking coffee. I smiled at him, he scowled. I think he is his authentic self :)

Shut up

I was looking through old journals the other day and I felt a huge disappointment in myself. I have always thought of myself as a semi intelligent person capable of expressing myself in a relatively sane way. I am wrong. Reading over my journals I realized exactly what a whining, self absorbed brat I was. Constantly sniveling about this person or that person. Everyone was out to get me...blah blah blah.
If I could go back in time I would tell the Me of certain ages the following things -

Age 13 Me - No, Rae, you do not love Josh with every bit of your being and you will not die if he breaks up with you.

Age 14 Me - Chill out Rae, your Dad and StepMom do not want you to die a lonely death because they took your phone out of your room for a week. Yes it is ok to love New Kids on the Block, Metallica and The Cure at the same time. You are musically diverse, NOT a freak of nature. Oh, and its ok to be mad at your Mom. Stop holding that inside.

Age 15 Me - You will survive the heartbreak of being 15. You will survive the broken heart you will receive from David Cranford and you will have your first love in Mr.Ashley Scott. You will fight with your parents, sneak out of the house and will be certain that nobody understands you but your friends. Hold on Rae, 15 sucks, but it will be better. Hold on.

Age 16 Me - Having a job at 16 does not mean that you rule over the house. Calm down. You are a cool chick...and will get even better with age.

Age 17 & 18 Me - Rae, listen to me. Listen good. Do what you want in life. DON'T SETTLE!! You are about to make some really dumb choices. Stop and think before you...oh damn, you did it anyway.

Age 20 - Present Me - Enjoy life...stop sniveling about everything.

I didn't think I needed to go through all the rest of the years..because its all basically the same thing. Stop whining. Life is ultimately good. Life gets better. Right?

Change?

 "It's strange when you notice that things have changed. A shift has happened without you noticing until it has already happened. Like the earth rotating everyday, but you don't notice it. You only see the effects of it when day turns to night. I prefer it that way...not seeing the shift, just letting it happen. But, for a reason I do not want to think about, I see this shift happening. I feel like an outsider watching, powerless to stop it. Too much of a coward to stop it. Honestly, not even wanting to stop it.
Sometimes we just push on without any real emotion. When we see things changing should we try to stop it or move it in another direction? Or do we enjoy the shifting, blaming it all on "things change"...I see it now clear as day and I kind of like it. Should I do something about it? Probably. But I won't..."

I wrote that a few years ago. Feels very real again to me. Change is inevitable. Change is life. Change can cause joy or pain. I am not sure which is which anymore. I thought that at my age I would've figured something out already. Hmm, guess that will come when things change. 

Rae

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ibWYROwadYs

Forgiveness?? More like bitterness

Forgiveness.
This is not going to be a "how to" on forgiveness. I have heard everything you can imagine about forgiveness. Read about it in the Bible, read quotes, sang songs about it. We probably all have. But, I can say without a shadow of a doubt it is the hardest thing I have ever tried to deal with. I don't know if I am actually capable of it. I can quote scripture on it. I know what I am supposed to do.

I wonder how many of us can forgive as we are supposed to? Really and truthfully forgive? I don't know if I ever have been able to.
My father was a wonderful man with the best personality in the world. He was funny, charismatic and charming (now you know where I get it from). But, he was an alcoholic. I wasn't able to forgive him until after he died. That still haunts me to this very day. It is crippling sometimes. Bitterness stems from it. 

I wrote this after my Mom had been through all of her chemo and we were expecting good test results. The results came back and were not good. This was 3 months before she died - 

"The poison of this world has seeped in and caused a bitterness that won't be broken. 
Age has caused a filter between the dreams of a girl and the reality of discontent. 
The wrinkles have no purpose, no happy story to tell. 
Never wanting to settle but doing it anyway. 
Is there a way to change that? A way to get back to a place of as hope....
before the doctor tells you it's almost over"

I was so angry. I knew she going to die. I knew all the things she wanted to happen were not going to happen. She would never have her house she wanted. She would never have that family trip to Disney. She would never have coffee and enjoy it again because the chemo destroyed her taste buds. She would never have another Thanksgiving. She would never have her hair like Paula Dean. She would never have anything again. I was an still am so mad that she was taken from us so soon. I am still so mad that her death was painful. I am so mad that her life was filled with pain and she never got to live out her dreams. 

Forgiveness? Who do I forgive to make this feel better? God?

I am learning every day to let go of toxic people from my life. But, this inability to forgive is the most toxic thing I deal with.
My goal is to get to a point where it feels natural to let go of bitterness. The only way to do that is to forgive. 

So, yeah, this was a bit of a depressing read. I wrote it because, surely, I am not the only that struggles with this. Surely, I am not the only hot mess I know??? Right??

Maybe, I should put it away for now. Deal with it at a later date? Yeah, that sounds good to me :)

Rae

A Quiet Mind

I recently got another tattoo. So recent that it is itching me like crazy as I write this. It was something I have wanted for years now. I got "A Quiet Mind" on the back of my neck. To explain what it means to me would take more words than I care to speak. But, I can try. "A Quiet Mind" is a song by Blue October. It is a major part of the reason, but not all. I have a very chaotic mind. It is constantly racing, working, dreaming, and honestly a dark place. I tend to put things away in the corners of my mind. Yes, I deal with it, but no I will not tell you about it. I work it out on my own. If you catch me on a day I feel like venting I feel very very sorry for you. I have a few, very few, people in my life that get the venting once in a while. Say a prayer for them, it can get ugly. Thankful for these few. 

A Quiet Mind is something I strive for but I know will probably never happen. 

A Quiet Mind also reminds me of a wonderful friend. He was so tortured by so many things in his mind. So many things in life. We spent hours upon hours opening our messed up minds to each other. No judgments. Poured our real selves out to each other. He was desperate for peace. Desperate for a quiet mind. We had a long discussion about this song and what it meant to him and what it meant to me. He died at age 39 on June 1, 2012. He was a man of God, so I know he finally has peace. I am forever changed by him. He calmed my mind. I like to think I had the same affect on him. 

I wrote this a few years ago after a monumental change in my life. Chaos is my friend, I think. I thrive off of it. 

"Feel it creeping up again. Only this time I am completely aware of it and probably able to stop it.....but for once I won't. When it was all spoken, the wall came down....crumbling like an earthquake hit. A wall that will NEVER be rebuilt, I refuse for it to be. Too much of life is spent behind a wall, a wall that hides your true self. I could have kept it up and made it even higher.....only when the earthquake finally hit,  it would fall on me instead of away from me. I could have kept it there for another 20 years, in fact I had made up my mind to do that. But, it was forced out of me - the earthquake was not caused by me...but when it hit, my facade shattered and it was terrifying and exhilarating at the same time....It all comes with a cost though....when the wall is down and you can see for the first time in years, you see the misery on the face in the mirror that was caused by the monster under the bed. Just got caught in the moment when comfort was needed. Now I am free"..
.
A Quiet Mind? Probably will never happen, but a girl can dream right?

Rae

Here is the song if you want to check it out

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B05nS0trd30